Christmas Hilarity

Tom: ...it's like a poor man's version of Teach For America.

Joshua: Like "Teach for the Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan"?


***

NO, Harry, the problem is NOT that we're both dudes!!

Becca: Ok, why do all my kids refer to Mexico as "up there"?

It's been awhile...

Becca: [says something about Josh Dalley] We need a different name for him, because it's OK to call DoBell "DoBell," but I never call Josh Dalley "Dalley," so we need another name so you know which Josh I mean when it's him.

Tami: How about JD?

*****

Becca: The band kids are the good kids...mostly. But like, some of them are really shy, and well-mannered, and so it's like...."Oh...Maria McWilliams is humping a flute. OK."

*****

[Alex Trebek: Frank Lloyd Wright intended for visitors to start at the top and work down in this NYC art museum.]

Becca: Um...I was going to say the Guggenheim, but then I realized that's the most retarded possible answer.

[Regis: What is the Guggenheim?

Alex: That's correct!]

Why people should drink less

Becca: I mean, obviously I've never been drunk enough to poop on someone's computer.

***

Tami: She peed his bed? Who does that?

Just your average Saturday night in Chapel Hill with a Sunday night movie to boot...

[After many a discussion on it's perfectly legal to turn right on red unless there's a sign, we encounter yet another red light, waiting to turn right with no one headed our way.]

Tami: Um, you can go, Liz.

Liz: I can??

Tami: Well, there's no sign saying you can't...

Liz: I FEEL LIKE THERE ARE SIGNS!!

***
[Watching "The Emperor's New Groove"]

Becca: Kronk kinda reminds me of my brother.

Becca: Elise, you look like you're trying to compete with Tami Nopants.

Elise: Yeah, Tami, it looks like you and Elili are in competition.*

[Elise's pants are unzipped. Tami's totally sitting at the kitchen table in her underwear. As usual.]

Ms. P: What wants to eat Nunu?

Your mom has chiggers

Jenny: My roommate has fleas.

***

Tami: My foot itches. I think I have Lyme Disease.

***

Liz: Tami, you better watch out or I'm gonna release the ticks.

***

Elise: I'm gonna have to set time aside to do this.

Tami: Do what?

Elise: This.

Tami: Have friends?

***

Tami (last Friday, to her class): Your mom can pick it up with her teeth.

Desperation Beckons.

[Jenny and Tami are watching a movie; Becca is in another room having dinner but within earshot.]

Tami: Yay! I love love stories.

*sigh*

I really need to make out with someone.

Jenny: Me, TOO!

Becca: WORD.

Concert

Jenny: Sorry, I'm gonna put my hand in your crotch a little bit.

Josh: No, PLEASE DO!

WELCOME BACK!

[Tami tells story of some wise use of plastic bags in her classroom]

Elise: Oh, Tami, you're such a smarty pants.

Liz: Smarty no pants.

Editor's Note: Tami likes to walk around in her underwear.

***

Jenny: Liz failed third grade!

***

Liz: I just have two things to say. A) Those are my noodles. B) I'm really, really sorry.

***

Tami: We need Becca on here! She's the only one not on here!

Liz: Becca, be funny NOW.

***

Becca: Can that go on Schlode? Tami saying, "I want an I actual pig."

***

Becca: I wasn't waiting for him this morning. I was waiting for him yesterday. Today I was waiting for him in my bed asleep.

Can't you just hear Gwen Stefani "n-a-n-a'ing" it like a broken record?

Alternate title suggestions:

• "this bread is bananas, b-a-n-a-n-a-n-a. . ."
• ""I don't think that's how Gwen Stefani spells it"

Feel free to submit your own!!

***

[From an e-mail Becca sent... I almost edited, but you have to just read the entire e-mail!!]

This might need some editing, but I wanted to make sure you got enough context...

[Becca]: i think i'm going to bake some banana bread

Bailey: mmmm
you should make pumpkin bread instead
bananas are gross. pumpkin bread is soooooo yummy

[Becca]: but i have overripe banananas.
i totally did that by accident, btw.

Later in the same conversation...

Bailey: enjoy your banananananananana bread tomorrow!

That's right, I am a tool. T-U-L.

"Y'all scare me"

Becca: I mean, I live in the south and when I talk people are like, "Oh, you're a Yankee." No one says, "Are you from Ireland?".

Honorary Summer Schlode entry:

Darla: I keep a box of matches by the bed but not for candles...

Retrospective

We're talking about when we all got here as first year T*FA'ers last year. Elise has finally made her way onto Schlode!!

Elise: This one person was just this huge R. Kelly fan. I was just like, "Why are we talking about him? He pees on people."

Ruth: I think that if I had a child with a peanut allergy I'd have to just take them out back and drown them.

[Becca's mom... said with both her children- Becca and Tom- in the room]

The Problems with Teaching

Liz: There are too many restrictions when it comes to teaching- you can't play certain music in your workspace...

Tom: You can't walk around naked .

Gotta love long weekends

Liz: It's all about doing the breaststroke nude.

Tami: Why do fireflies spark like that anyway?
Bailey: I think it's a mating call.
Tami: Oooo, I'll mate with you!! Where're you at?
Becca: That's just so disturbing on so many levels.
Liz [with disgust]: "Where are you at?"
Bailey: Horrible grammar, Tami! Where already implies location. You don't need the preposition. It's redundant.
Tami: I can't believe that I just offered to mate with a firefly and what disturbs you most was my incorrect grammar.

Tami, upon her inaugural skinny dipping experience: Uh, guys, I am totally nipping out. I think my nipples are broken.

Tami, to Liz: You gotta turn the Liz on. I mean the thing. I just called Liz the TV. I mean I just called the TV Liz. But you're Liz. Ah, frickin' eh. I quit talking for life.

Bailey's here reading examples of vocab sentences from her SAT Prep classes. Here's an AWESOME one:

My effervescent excitement caused me to knock over a stand of small, spicy, spinach scorpion skins after learning I won a wet T-shirt contest in Japan.

Speaking of hoebags...

Tami: Becca already has one, but Jenny you should pimp.

***

Tami: Speaking of hoebags, I'm gonna call Brendon back.

***

Jenny: Are you saying I am only funny when I'm drinking?

***

Tami, to Becca: I wish your hair could be a quote on Schlode.

***

Jenny: Becca and I just got outsmarted by an elevator.

Becca: Can that go on Schlode- "Tami: Hey look- I have a beer belly."?
Jenny: In reference to the can of Coke down her pants.

Shenan: That's definitely a teacher joke.
Liz: You don't think that's funny- fendy boogler?

Tami: I think it's taking a crap.
Becca: But is it crapping ice?

Tami: Becca, wanna shake the mango?

Gotta love Fridays at the lake place...

Liz: I'll come surprise you, and do it when you least expect it.
Jenny: Like now?...

Liz: I'm running out of desk space to accomodate imaginary friends.

Jenny: Will you go to the sink for me and sign my name?

Tami: Someday when I am PMS-y I am just going to go to the mirror and shout, "Piggly Wiggly MEAT!!"

Tami: Make her wet her pants... ooo... but not on the couch.
Becca: I think I am losing my hearing... I thought you just said, "Make her wear pants... ooo... but not on the couch."

[Outside, on the shore in our backyard, in the pitch black, post-Becca and Jenny trying to cover the kayaks but coming back in because they heard "giant splashing noises in the water". According to Tami, it was clearly the work of a homicidal, maniacal killer, or maybe a duck.]
Tami: Wouldn't it be funny if something came up, grabbed me, and like drug me out into the water?
Becca: No, it wouldn't. Well, maybe if it was like Arrested Development and then a one-armed man jumped out next and was like, "And that's why you always cover the kayaks in the daylight."

Tami: Too bad none of us got eaten by a giant fish.
Becca: Yeah, that does kind of suck.

Tami: POOP LAGOON!!!

Meat...

Jenny: I'm gonna go defrost my meat while I shower... why does that sound so dirty?

Tami: I'm going to kill myself.

Becca is making me put this up. I promise there is more to me than wanting to have sex. Kill me now.

Tami: Just look at him... I want to touch him... MAN!! I just need to get married and have lots of sex.

Tami: How can she think Tom Brady's not hot? I mean, look at him... how can you not just want to touch him?

<--- Said in reference to this pic

Li

Liz: Don't step it isn't poop now
[On Wheel of Fortune... the solution was "Don't call us we'll call you"]

Liz: She kinda has a pineapple head.

Tami: I think if I had to choose between sex and milk I'd kill myself.
Jenny: I'd choose sex, I'm not gonna lie.
Tami: Yeah, I think I might choose milk.
Liz: But you'd never have babies.
Tami: But there are ways around that.
Liz: Yeah, like a turkey baster.

Becca: I didn't spill on myself because I'm the least bit tipsy, but because I'm a freaking tool.

Liz: Come look at my schlode. My schlode gets longer by the day.

Liz: I should go check out our schlode.

Tami: He's just so adorable and cute and I want to play with him.

From the dinner table...

Matt: I hear they have a lot of oriental foods in Asia.

More Quotes

[About some skanky porn star]
Becca: I hate her shirt.
Liz: I hate her hair.
Tami: I hate her.

[Pertaining to Derek Jeter being on some Hottest Hotties show]
Tami: Are you joking me? Have you looked at his FACE?
Becca: Ok, but I have to say that he's totally hot in the pants. I mean, most baseball players have those skinny chicken legs but he makes those pants look good.

Quotables

Tami: You've never seen ___________ [insert some movie that EVERYONE has seen]? Are you joking me?
Becca: Nope. Never seen it.
Tami: Did you grow up in a cave?
Liz: Actually, I am a bear.

Liz: Seriously Tami, I can't wait to get married and get a KitchenAid mixer.
Tami: Oh my gosh, Liz you don't even know-that's the joke with all my friends from home- that's the only reason why I want to get married!
Becca: Oh, Tami, I think we all know there are other reasons why you want to get married.
Liz: Yeah, like sex and babies and Tom Brady.
Tami: Ok... [emphatically] YEAH!!

Liz: Uh, remember that time when I poured too much cinnamon in the cheesecake and everyone just stood there and stared and it was really silent and awkward? [said, oh, about an hour after it happened.]

Tami: Girls, we need a name for my car.
Jenny: It's maroon... sort of like an apple.
Becca: Yeah, you could name it after a fruit.
Me: That could work...
Liz: Oh, how about Goldie!!!

Tami: Ah, stupid buttsucker.
Becca: Have you ever thought about what it would be like to suck a butt?
Jenny: Where's Liz?

Liz: Ah, Tami, what are we gonna do with you?

Becca: Can I just say this cake looks freaking awesome?
Liz: I know- I can't wait to sink my teeth into its juicy flesh!